It's All the Rage

In an effort to combat my now raging heartburn, I compiled a list of every herbal remedy I found in the course of my research, however bizarre it may sound. I went to the herbal pharmacy and health food store and bought the following: chewable papaya tablets, papaya concentrate, aloe vera juice, charcoal tablets, slippery elm with marshmallow and fresh pineapple. Then I came home and took all of it at once. I felt better the next day, but now I have no idea what actually worked. Since some if it tastes like ass, it would be preferable to know these things.

It would probably help if I just stopped eating ice cream and chocolate, but that would be too easy.

Nachos Anyone?

So last night my hubby and I attended a natural pregnancy class hosted by three "goddesses," the nickname we have for the fabulous natural hippie women in our area. One goddess was nutritionist, another a midwife and the third a doula. There were many helpful suggestions that we took to heart, until the doula explained that one of the services she provides is belly casting. Huh? Now I've stopped dying my hair, I was wearing a flowy ethnic print skirt and didn't feel too out of place amongst the goddesses, but this was a level of which I was unaware.

Here is how it works. You buy plastering materials at the pharmacy, wrap it around your belly, plaster it and wait for it to harden and dry. The result is similar to a cast you would get for a broken arm, but in the shape of your womb. Now how am I supposed to keep a straight face? I didn't dare look at my husband or it would've been over, but unfortunately the man next to me had even worse composure. Once he stated burying his head with giggles than coughing to cover it up, I wasn't far behind. I was picturing people signing it and drawing flowers, but what does one do with something like this? Like I would hang this up in the kid's room next to the Ramones poster we bought for him? The doula did have some suggestions- you can decoupage it, turn it over and use it for a baby bassinet... My personal favorite though- one couple used it as a chip and dip set. Oh yes. Lets pose a question, shall we? What would you do if you went to a friend's house for dinner and they served you chips and dip in a belly cast? Perhaps nacho chips in the womb section, salsa in one boob and guac in the other. Seriously.

Damn You Stephen Colbert...

..for the best Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor ever. I apparently thought it would be a wise idea to eat an entire pint of your fudgy, carmely, waffle cone Americone Dream goodness when I am slightly lactose intolerant. Yes, that was brilliant. I feel really great now. Thanks a lot.

It does help that you are really cute though.

Turn On The Sprinkler System

One of the lovely side affects of pregnancy is the increased need to use the loo. It's quite inconvenient when you are trying to sleep or I don't know, go anywhere. No pun intended. Although that is what I've had to resort to. Last weekend we were hiking around the Presidio in San Francisco, eager to catch the sunset over the cliffs. We were at least a mile away from the nearest bathroom and there was no way my shrinking bladder was going to wait. I've done a decent amount of camping in my life and am not above using nature when necessary. The only problem -- this was a trail in a city park with no place to roam out of sight. I had to act quickly so other hikers wouldn't happen upon my business. I used to be really good at this, but apparently I am out practice and my balance leaves a lot to be desired these days. Despite all the squats I practiced in yoga class, that didn't help my aim. My shoes, my pants- nothing was spared. I looked like I had walked through a sprinkler. I resorted to carrying my water bottle in my hand the rest of the hike so passersby would hopefully think this was my water bottle's fault, not mine. I'm just glad I didn't know any of these people...

Let Me Feel Your Body Talk

The month five chapter of my pregnancy book explains that this is the time when you really show, and pregnant women should no longer be the recipient of the "is she pregnant or is she getting fat looks." The book continues: "Most will begin to flaunt their showing body and take on a proud and pregnant pose." Then it suggests that you can really show off your pregnant belly by wearing a leotard.

Ok. Where do I even BEGIN with this one? Let's start with the copyright date. It's 1997, not 1982. Leotards, really? One of the authors is a man, albeit a clueless one, so we'll let it go. Perhaps he watches a lot of VH1 classic and they really do play the Olivia Newton John Let's Get Physical Video quite often. However, the co-author is a woman. I'm sorry, but she should know better. Was she never traumatized by dance recital costumes? She apparently never had to wear a black fringed leotard with pink sequins or a metallic silver unitard with electric blue trunks in front of people. Or perhaps she did and was warped enough to enjoy it. News flash, woman. Leotards don't look good on ANYONE. They are the thong speedos of women's wear.

Now I have the song Let's Get Physical in my head. Damn it.